Sir William Welles’ Nocturnal Diary

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Greetings my dear Gothlings,

Yesterday a Gothling named Marisa sent me a poem that she wrote claiming to have been inspired by the New Goth City website (noitce the Day-Crawler reference), but it was also inspired by the song “Favorite Things” from the sugary-sweet, nazi-filled, movie The Sound of Music, and she Gothed it up!!! It’s awesome, I hope you enjoy it:

Raindrops on gravestones and whiskers on black cats
Dark velvet jackets and wild vampire bats
Black patent leather boots tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things!

The Headless Horseman’s steed and eyeball shaped candy
Church bells and suzu bells all just sound dandy
Ravens that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Girls in black dresses with acrylic sashes
Heavy eyeliner that won’t clump on eyelashes
A harsh and dark winter that comes before spring
These are a few of my favorite things

When the Day Crawlers gawk
When the clubs close
When the night fades to day,
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I will feel-
Slightly less gloomy!

HA! I love it!!!!

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles

A Day-Crawling Salesman stopped at an isolated hotel to ask for a room for the night. The hotel owner said there wasn’t any vacancy but suggested: “I could let you sleep with my daughter if you promise not to bother her.”

The Day-Crawler agreed, quietly went to the room, undressed in the dark, slipped into bed and felt the owner’s daughter by his side. The next morning he asked the Hotel owner for his bill.

“It’ll be just ten dollars,” said the owner, “since you had to share the bed.”

“Your daughter was very cold in that bed,” said the Day-Crawler.

“Yes, I know,” replied the owner, “We’re gonna bury her today.”

Greetings my dear Gothlings!

Now, while my “Romancing the Goth” blog posts are usually reserved for romantic tips and tid-bits to give those fortunate enough to be in a relationship ideas to heighten their romance level, I want to shift gears here to discuss, dissect, and delve, into an age old adage:

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

Now, everyone of us has heard this at one point in our lives…but have you ever sat down and truly thought about what it means? Sure, on the surface it’s an easy way to soothe someone that has just been a victim of a break-up or, even worse, death of a loved one. Basically stating: “Hey! At least you’ve been there/done that, than rather being some loser that still lives in their parents’ basement!” But, the other day, this quote popped into my head as I was sorting out some emotional issues, and I really, really, started to ponder over this adage. Soon, I realized that I was totally on the fence when it came to this statement! Let us dissect it, shall we?

O.K., first off the quote presents two general, yet distinctive, scenarios, and blatantly states that one is way better off than the other. It’s a pretty broad stroke of a paint brush, if you think about it. I mean, every relationship is different in their own merit…I don’t think you can appropriately group everything into two categories of the ‘have lost’ and the ‘never hads.’ There is way more to consider…but for now we’ll play the game and focus on these two scenarios. Two categories of people: Those who have loved someone (at least once), and those who, for some inexplicable reason, has never loved anyone in their entire very lonely lives. And let me make something abundantly clear right here and now…I’m talking about romantic love…not the family/friend/pet type of love…real passionate/”let’s get married” love! O.K.? Got it? Good! Moving on…

In the first instance, said individual is someone who, at a certain point in his or her life, has had the distinct opportunity to have met another individual and thus proceeded to successfully cultivate the relationship up to a point to which one (the individual in question), or both individuals profess their love to one another. Then, tragically, at that instant, or even years down the line, due to a gaz-illion reasons — most tragic of the bunch: death —  said individual has lost the particular love in question. Quelle tristesse. So now, the individual is left there heart-broken and in pain…and that’s a good thing, right? Hmm…

In the second instance we are introduced to another (albeit tragic in his or her own right) individual who, for some inexplicable, yet obviously horrible, reason has never, and will never, fully experience true and actual love from another living human being. Again, Quelle tristesse…but this type of individual hardly exists!!! Hell, I’ve known and seen severely handicapped (mental & physical) people find great love with others! It’s a basic human instinct to seek it! No…the ‘never have loved’ crowd must be some really fucked up social misfits for this adage to so easily put them down as the worse of the two evils!

And, ultimately, this is, essentially, a battle between ‘two evils,’ is it not? Which one is worse: having a taste of sweet love yet having it removed after only a few bites, or never being able to sit at the table due to some serious lack of social skills, or maybe being a leper?!? Now…don’t get me wrong…if it seems like I’m coming down a bit harsh on the ‘never hads’ set, let me confess that I once belonged to that group…and possibly still do!

Without getting into too much great detail, my past dating life and relationships with the opposite sex has either been non-existent (mostly throughout high-school and college) or at the very least somewhat bizarre. A Con-woman, a stalker, a “I don’t know what just happen for the past month, but did it really happen, and why did it stop?” situation, and Morning-After Pill incident (not in any particular order) is only a taste of the cursed state my social life finds itself in. I don’t even really know if I even experienced true love anyways…but what I do know is that I’ve experienced lots and lots of loss. However, even as I find myself at the age when most men are going through their first or even second second divorce, I pine for romance with someone special…it’s a strong part of my Gothy angst!

Back to the issue at hand…How is it possible that those who have never loved someone be worse off than those that have lost a loved one??? Technically, those who have never loved, or been loved by anyone, do not know (or have experienced) what love actually feels like. Maybe a facsimile might be achieved by what the mass media dictates what real love “should” feel/be like via song lyrics, soap operas, dramas, and reality t.v. shows…but let’s put that aside…that’s a whole other topic for another posting. If anything, the ‘never hads’ might pine for the thought of love…not for anyone specific…someone who, theoretically, they have yet to meet. 

No. I think that I have to argue that it is “worse to have loved and lost than to to have never loved at all!” The pain of heartbreak is intense and very palpable. It cuts through you to the core. It’s almost as if that heavy and fluttering feeling you experience in your head, chest, abdomen, and loins when you are falling in love with someone is suddenly reversed. It feels almost the same, but it’s stronger, darker, and much more hurtful. I’ve had the misfortune of experiencing both within a month’s worth of time…not pleasant. But again…every relationship is different…

Which brings me to a third (unthought of) scenario: the long distance relationship. Why doesn’t the adage cover this set-up? Although highly romantic, the long-distance relationship is in a sort of ‘purgatory’ between the two scenarios of ‘have lost’ and ‘never hads.’ Those who find themselves here are in a committed relationship while having lost said relationship to distance…so technically it’s better than both the ‘have losts’ and the ‘never hads,’ right? Sure, there is hope involved with this situation…however, the long distance relationship is always plagued with problems, namely jealousy, and the inevitable separation of commonality…slowly taking a path toward being a ‘have lost’ when the end-all statement of “I think we should see other people,” is uttered by one of the participants.

Actually, after pondering over this entire subject, I’ve concluded that whomever created this old, and somewhat seemingly wise, saying belonged to the fourth scenario, also missing from said saying, of romance categories: ‘the haves!’ These individuals have it best, don’t they? They found love at least once and still have it…they have no idea what the other ‘never had’ or ‘have lost’ scenarios feel like…but I’m sure they know someone who just went through a gut-wrenching break-up and will smugly advise:

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

BULLSHIT!!! The saying should read something like:“It is better to love and hold on to it then to be in a long distance relationship which will more than likely result in a lost love, but if you’ve never loved at all…ignorance is bliss!”

No…I’m not bitter… 

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles

A leper walked into Don Hill’s at Salvation and sat down at the bar, whereupon the bartender threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said: “Hey, I know I’m not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings!”
Wiping the vomit from his mouth with his sleeve, the bartender replied:

“I’m sorry, man, but it wasn’t you. It’s just that Dj Cyn next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck.”

Greetings my dear Gothlings!

As some of you have heard via my Facebook profile, some fucked up Day-Crawler stole my black tuxedo jacket the other night! Oh…I got it back all right…but let me tell you the bizarre series of events to you to prove once and for all that 95% of Day-Crawlers are absolutely and completely brain fractured!!!

After leaving Absoloution’s Walpurgisnacht celebration down on Ludlow Street, I went to a familiar Irish pub found very close (stumbling distance, I like to call it) to my apartment, to say hello to the owner, who is an old friend of mine. I will withhold the name of the establishment here because they were in no shape or form responsible for what happened.

Now, as I walked into the place, I noticed a sizable crowd of Day-Crawlers at the bar and booths…it was a Friday night, I’ll admit, but, again, I know the owner and the staff very well and always feel comfortable there. They actually all light up when I arrive…I am their breathe of ‘putrid’ air!

Being that the warm summertime climate was thwarted upon us like a vengeful tsunami, I naturally decided to peel off my jacket and place it on the back of a stool by my glass of wine. Then, I thought it a good idea to go to the jukebox and play something “different” to liven up this mundane crowd…Harry Belafonte’s “Jump in the Line,” best remembered from the last scene in Beetlejuice, always seems to be a great crowd pleaser…when I return to my stool –very close to where the owner of the bar is standing, mind you — I find some drunken, pudgy, little Day-Crawling girl, not more than 25 orbits around the sun in existence, sitting at my stool, on which my jacket is perched. I think nothing of it and, being quite the gentleman that I am, I relinquish the stool to her and politely move my jacket to the next available one directly to her right.

Soon enough, a few more songs pop into my head and I hurried back to the jukebox to educate all of these Day-Crawlers that there is indeed music that exists outside of the Lady Gaga and Jay Z realm. To tell you the truth, I don’t even remember what I played. The moment I turned back around, I immediately noticed something amiss…namely my jacket!

I instinctively ran out of the bar in a panic only to find the street perfectly barren as I scanned the horizons. I ran back in to ask the security guard/bouncer if he’d seen anyone leave with a black jacket. He informed me that only a small group of girls just left. I wasn’t so much concerned for my jacket as much as for the invaluable New Goth City Matrix cell phone kidnapped in its pocket!!!! Then it hit me…I’ll call the Matrix phone from my personal cell phone, which I keep in my vest pocket! As I speed dialed the NGC Matrix phone, I thought to myself that the ‘perp’ wouldn’t be foolish enough to answer it so soon after the crime, right? It rang twice…

“Hello?” a girl’s slurred voice answered.
“Hey! You’ve got my jacket,” I snapped back.
“Yeah…”
“Well come back here and give it back to me!” I ordered.
“No…”
“What do you mean no, you crazy bitch?!?”
“I’m not going back…you can come meet me,” she replies right before hanging up on me!

I was seething by now. I have no clue in which direction to head in. I started toward 3rd Avenue since the subways were in that direction as I dialed MY phone back. She picks up again:

“What?” she smugly answers.
“Where the fuck are you?”
“60th and 2nd…”
“Come back to the *** bar this instant,” I barked.
“No…”
“Fine…just stay at 60th and 2nd…I’ll find YOU!!!”

The next few seconds were a blur as I dashed back toward 2nd Avenue where I should find her at a speed that even impressed myself while I was trying to keep her on the line.

Then, as I rounded the corner, I saw, in the distance, the same pudgy drunk Day-Crawler from before…holding my jacket. My eyes and mind locked onto her like an Eagle on its unsuspecting prey. In an instant I found myself snatching back my jacket and phone from her clutches. To add insult to injury, she starts giving ME attitude via a snide look! 

“What the fuck is your malfunction?” I snap at her.
She stumbled a bit as her eyes tried to focus on the both of me and added, “Whatever, dude…”
“Whatever? You fuckin’ stole my jacket! What the fuck do you mean: ‘Whatever, dude?’”

She stumbled around a bit more trying to get her footing on obviously a sidewalk that was moving way too much under her feet for her taste. At this point I just took pity on her drunken stupidity.

“Go home, you stupid Day-Crawler,” I finally state as I slip on my jacket, feeling its welcomed familiarity over my shoulders, and turned back toward the bar…leaving her to find her way home without getting raped or killed. Good luck with that, I thought to myself as she stumbled in the opposite direction.

As I returned toward the original scene of the crime, I notice a small Aqua-Green box of Listerine breath strips lying on the sidewalk before me. This reminds me that I had a small pack of these in my jacket pocket. I check said pocket and indeed…they were gone! I pick up the fallen breathe strips and, sure enough, they were full…these were mine!!! What else is missing, my mind raced once again. In a flash, I took a mental inventory of my belongings while conducting a full upper torso search of myself. Result: Only one thing missing, a pair of very cool, and fragile, purple sunglasses that, fortunately, I just bought two extra pairs of, from the Gothic Renaissance store for only $8.99 each, just three days prior to the incident. Evidently, she was going through my pockets and dumping out stuff she deemed not worthy or uninteresting…fucking KLEPTO!!!

But the lesson in all of this is thus: Even though to most Day-Crawlers I look strange and evil — Hell! Some of these morons think I’m actually Satan walking the Earth! — I am, again, a proper gentleman that has vowed never to hit or strike a woman…except in maybe extreme self-defence…especially not a pathetic drunk one such as this one. This girl will never, ever realize how lucky she was that she picked my jacket to steal and to have been stupid enough to answer my Matrix phone…there a plenty of idiotic misogynists men out there, running loose, who would have gladly beat the shit out of this girl (or worse) for far less than what she did to me!!! And one day, for she is still young and dumb, sadly for her, it shall happen…

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles

Greetings my dear Gothlings!I will be honest with you and start off by stating that when I saw the first televised ad for the Addams Family musical, I did what any typical self-respecting Goth would do…I rolled my eyes to the skies and uttered: “Oh crap! Let’s see how mainstream Broadway will manage to fuck this up for us,” to myself. Then, after some research I learned that playing Morticia and Gomez Addams were none other than Bebe Neuwirth and Nathan Lane! Then I was intrigued…that’s a pretty impressive leading cast…hmmm…this might have some potential after all. After the previews had come and gone, and well after opening night, I had the opportunity to score the last two seats for the Tuesday, April 27^th performance. I had read some reviews and asked the opinions from a few people who had seen it. Let’s just say that the reviews were all mixed. But I had to see this for myself. I surprised a very dear friend who is very close to my heart with the tickets as we arrived to theater. She didn’t even know there was even an Addams Family musical playing since she was in from out of town. The theater was packed and filled with excitement…in we went…

Ok…first off, 98% of theater-goers can be categorized into two distinct types: tourists and old people! My friend was appropriately dressed in a long black dress much like Morticia would wear, and I, in a black and white pin-striped suit…looking very Gomez-y. Needless to say, we were making all the people around us in our seating section rather nervous and curious. Many eyes were upon us. But truthfully (rant coming up), we were the best dressed people in the entire audience. I mean, outside from some old people dressed in what old people consider dressed up, most of these people looked like they were waiting to catch a flight at the airport bound for the Bahamas!!! Here you have an opportunity to see a Broadway show, on Times Square, the cross-roads of the World in an old Victorian styled theater, and you show up in jeans and a Polo shirt!?!?!?! WTF?!?! Take some pride in yourself! Shit…I get dressed up just to take a shower! *pant*pant*pant*…but I digress…moving on…We take our seats, row W, seat number 10 & 12, thank you very much…why theaters don’t believe in odd numbers, I’ll never know…and we wait for the show to start. The orchestra starts to play the overture…the lights dim…curtains rise…and we are faced with the entire Addams Family, in a cemetery, like in a group photo, staring back at us…thunderous applause! Now, I’m not going to spell you out every number in detail…don’t want to spoil it for you, however, you should be forewarned of the plot and some vital details. In this Addams Family (set in their house in the middle of New York City’s Central Park…Why? Don’t know) Wednesday Addams (played by Krysta Rodriguez)is now 18 years old and has fallen in love with some mundane preppie poet from Ohio (insert Ohio joke here), and the entire musical is centered around a “normal” meet-and-greet-of-the-families-dinner that goes very “abnormal.” Wednesday is conflicted by her macabre ways and a new “sunny” outlook on life through the eyes of love. Love…lots of love…major theme here is LOVE!!! Love, love, love, love, love, and more…love.Addams Family movie…now there is a memorable song! But aside from the wonderful acting from the entire cast, the real star of the show is the choreography of the sets. The main curtain half rises and falls to direct you from scene to scene, staircases are moved and pivoted about themselves to carry you from room to room…then…suddenly you are outside…then back in…I’ve never seen such a wondrous scenic ballet since “The Phantom of the Opera.”  The steep ticket price (just about over a hundred each) is well worth it…and you want to know why…the second to last number…the Tango. Bebe Neuwirth (most memorable for playing Fraiser’s emotionless ex-wife on Cheers! and Fraiser) raises her long black dress, into a Gothy mini-skirt of some sort, and thus exposing a pair of delicious legs clad in shiny black thigh highs and garters. For those who know me well, know that I have a fetish for thigh-high stockings and garters on women…drives me loopy! As the audience stares at the stage in awe, I blurt out: “Hell-O!” Meanwhile, Nathan lane, as Gomez says: “Tish! You have legs?” The audience roars with laughter, and for the next few (too quick) minutes, during the tango dance, my eyes are glued to those legs. Holy shit, Morticia Addams never looked hotter. Wait…give me a moment…

Ok…I’m back…where was I…oh yeah…Also, the two characters that really steal the show is Uncle Fester (played by Kevin Chamberlin), and Grandma (played by Jackie Hoffman). They really are hysterical and channel the television show’s characters to perfection. But what I was most impressed with is the philosophy that the Addams Family has on life…it is very Goth…and I quote: “We appreciate death so we can appreciate life.” This is said very early on in the show, and by the end it is the mundane family who is transformed to accept this philosophy of imbracing life through the darkness. Actually, the finale song is “Move toward the Darkness.”In conclusion, save your money and get tickets before Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth move on to other productions. JUST GO!!!

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles

Greetings my dear Gothlings!

Blimey! My Day-Crawling field research almost proved disastrous for me the other night when I foolishly parked myself within striking distance near an elusive and dangerous Day Crawler creature known commonly among them as a Cougar! Here’s what happened…

Just the other night, out of shear boredom, I ventured to the familiar watering-hole at the Times Square W Hotel’s lobby bar to immerse myself within this migratory herd that have taken rest here for the night. As I reached the floor of the, and the elevator doors ‘ding-ed’ open,  my ears were flooded by the sound of a massive herd of day-Crawlers. It was quite deafening, really. I braved onward. All the habitual pack members were present: the Alpha-males, the cunning females, the suits, the wide eyed foreign ones, and the rest of the herd loudly satisfying their thirst and socializing needs. My quiet corner of the bar that I usually take as my my vantage point was heavily populated and I struggled to find an open slot in which I could squeeze into. Quickly enough, at the other end of the bar, I noticed a space for me to conquer. I swiftly occupy the space without really taking into consideration who my watering-hole neighbors were. That was my major faux-pas.

Immediately I felt judgemental eyes upon me. No problem…I’m used to it…it just pure Day-Crawler instinct. I calmly place an order with a bartendress and slowly open my notebook to start writing down some notes. Using my keen peripheral vision I skillfully take notice that to my left is a small pack of 4 young males trying to impress two much smaller females. The males take little or no interest in me, and, a bit surprising to me, relinquish more space at the bar, in turn, closing in further on the unsuspecting females. I take a cautious and slight glance to my right and there she was…The Cougar!

Cougar was probably not the right word for her…mangy Bobcat was more like it! She was in her late 50’s to early 60’s, blond, dressed like any ex-hippie would (think jeans, a suede jacket, and beads), and was drunk. As I penned my notes on my notebook’s blank page, I felt her gaze clumsily trying to focus on my hands and what I was writing. Her gaze then, of course, then combed me from head to toe in efforts to try to drink me in completely…as if she hadn’t drank enough already! I could feel the questions she wanted to ask me percolate in her head.  She was going to engage me conversation, this I was sure of . I continued to write in my ominous looking notebook…trying to avoid eye contact. I then closed my notebook away from her prying eyes as I took a refreshing sip from my glass of wine.

“Excuse me, ” she started…”Oh, here we go,” I thought…”but is that a bible?” she continued.

“No…this  is my notebook. One doesn’t usually writes in a bible,” I pointed out. She wobbled a bit, tried to focus her eyes onto mine, and became rapidly fascinated with me and my actions.

I took a long scan at the rest of the room over my left shoulder, away from the Cougar in a tactful attempt to avert her gaze…I was also searching for another slot at the bar to which I could sneak away to…but with out any luck.  I could sense that she was again staring at my hands. I will admit that my hands, especially my digits are of particular interest to Day-Crawlers — I have long and extremely pointy finger nails, which are painted in a glossy black lacquer, and my fingers are adorned with rather unique silver rings. So yes…my hands are interesting.

The next thing I know, this odd woman scoops up my right hand to have a close examination of it. All of the sudden I’m standing there with my hand in hers as if she’s going to propose marriage to me!  The most comical part was the bartendress’ reaction to this display before her! She gave me a quizzical and bewildered look, and all I could do was return the same.  Moreover, over the course of time that I was there, the Cougar did this odd behavior not once…but THREE TIMES!!!

I must digress here and give a very scientific explanation of what is a “Cougar.” The term of Cougar (Puma Sexualis) was coined approximately three to four years ago to describe a Day-Crawler female over the age 40 who sexually prey on males much younger than she. Technically, a Cougar is lithe, svelte, and quite physically toned to compete with younger, firmer females for the attention of males. The Cougar is adequately armed with experience, wisdom, sultriness, and the money of one or several ex-husbands, making her even more dangerous. The Cougar is apt in moving quite stealthily when seeking when stalking her prey, and no Alpha-male can tame her; plus every day-Crawling boy she successfully hunts down are left confused, drained, and maybe a bit more experienced.

Back to my ordeal: This Cougar is hitting on me hard! I try to make an effort to ignore her, but to no avail. She was persistent. After some back-and-forth she eventually and confidently asked: “Do you want to join me back in my room for some fun?” I instinctively answered, “Of  course I do! Sure…why not?!? Just give me a few minutes to settle my tab and get my coat out of the coat check. What’s you room number? I’ll meet you there.” She whispered the room number in my ear, gave my earlobe a slight nibble, and stumbled off to the elevator. I settled my tab…I got my coat….AND HIGH-TAILED THE FUCK OUT OF THERE LIKE A JACK-RABBIT!!! I literally flew into a cab outside of the Hotel. I escaped unscathed…but rather shaken. Beware the COUGAR!

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles

Greetings my Dear Gothlings!

I was walking on Fifth Aveneue with a friend, returning from a meeting, when, while passing Saks Fifth Avenue’s window I spotted this dress:

The designer clearly was inspired by Goth & Industrial fashion…especially with the metal webbing at the open mid-drift. Looks pricey. Now if I can see this dress wrapped around a tall, sexy, and lanky Goth woman with long black hair…. *SIGH*!!!

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles

Greetings my dear Gothlings!

Last night, while I was helping tend the bar at my family’s restaurant, I received what quickly became the craziest phone call I’ve ever had in my entire insanity and stupidity filled life among the mundanes. Now, usually when I answer the restaurant’s phone to take down a reservation I do get a plethora of idiotic questions or having to speak with people who have little or no phone skills or manners what-so-ever, but this phone call really took the cake!!! Here’s what went down: (I promise you this really happened, my good friend Victor Noirlocke was there to witness this phone call)

The phone rings and I pick up: “Chez Napoleon, bonsoir,” I answer. Pause. Then an accented male voice responds:

“You speak English?” Pause.
“Excuse me?” I reply in confusion.
“You speak English?”
“Yes. I’m speaking English right now.” Then the real wackiness ensues!
“I want to leave a message to Alain Delon…the actor Alain Delon. Please tell him that I am ready to meet him when ever he wants. If he wants me to shoot him I can shoot him. President Obama has given me a gun to do so. I will meet him where ever he wants. Please make sure Mr. Delon gets this message.”
I respond…very simply…”O.k. Will do!” and hang up immediately on this complete FREAK!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?

I swear, 98% of the people in this world are soooooo fucking insane!

See you in the Dark!
Sir William Welles

A young Day-Crawler from the city went to to the country to visit his uncle on the farm, but after a few days he quickly became bored. The uncle tried to think of something for the city boy to do and suggested: “Why don’t you grab a rifle, take the dogs, and go shooting in the woods?”
The nephew cheered up immediately and off he went with the dogs in tow. He returned a few hours later.
“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.
“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew, “Got any more dogs?”